My perspective on reality

For the longest time I have felt that I had a grasp of my own reality. I believed that I and only I had the power to take my life and mold it into what I want. Until recently I strongly believed that to be the case, however in the last year I realized reality isn't what I want it to be, it is also affected by those I interact with. And no matter how hard I try to accomplish a goal my way someone else will inevitbly intervene and change your whole path whether they did it by purposely altering your route, or even an employer turning you down for a position you desperatly wanted or needed, they didn't mean to alter your plans but they did.

For example: I was living in Kingston not too long ago, I was able to make ends meet and had a decent paying full time position and a decent paying part time position. Life was going the way I wanted it to, I had a great girlfriend (not going to use her name for security purposes, those who know me know who i'm talking about), better than anyone I could have ever dreamed of meeting, a decent apartment, and some money on the side to play with. I wanted to stay in that apartment for a good while, at least to the end of my lease. Than reality struck, and my roommate disappeared to Hamilton and Suddenly I was responsible for the whole amount of rent, bills, food, and suddenly through no fault of my own my reality was making me face a tough choice, i could find another place to stay or move home to Munster, for those of you who know Munster thats not a good choice.

So thats when I realized Reality isn't what you make it, reality is how you adjust to lifes blunders, the curve balls and lemons life hands you, you have to decide to swing at the ball and see if you make contact, or not and potentially have a strike against you. The past two months of my life have been a huge maturation process for me. I felt before that I was mature beyond my years, but now know I am.

I had spent the last two months living with My now ex-girlfriend in Toronto. I anticipated to get a great job off the bat, live happily and start a new life for myself with my than girlfriend. But reality stuck his ugly little head in my business again, and I couldn't find a good job, I was pumping gas. It wasn't as easy in Toronto as I thought it would be. It was fun but not easy. Reality was setting in and my than girlfriend realized that she'd have to move out to afford school and I'd have to move out to afford anything. Back to Munster. Back to the place where the mere uttering of the name will cause me to shudder.

Reality has taken toll on me, Instead of being a security guard like I really want to be right now, i'm a stock boy working midnights at a local grocery store. It's an okay job as it keeps me busy and my mind of other things its still another job to add to my list of careers I never want. But the hardest Reality to face was my ending relationship with the girlfriend. It was not my choice by any means, but after analyzing my situation, and thinking about my new found views on reality, the truth is, it wasn't her choice either. Her reality led her to do what needed to be done. I fully respect her and there are no ill feelings between us, we are still best friends and will remain that way forever i hope. My realistice approach to this situation is the only way to stay sane. My brain is telling me that its over and that I have to move on or i'll end up depressed. But the reality is my heart will not let me move on. the mere thought of moving on twists my stomache. I will admit that a few tears are shed every day, I may be a man but i'm not ashamed to admit that I cry when I hurt. Time supposedly heals all wounds. that is something i'll have to wait to see. but the reality is my heart will never fully heal. there will always be a scar on one portion that has her name and my memories with her there forever. and if we don't ever get back together that scar will help me remember the good times we shared.

I know this is a really long post and i'm sorry if I am boring you but being so busy and not ever able to express my true honest feelings verbally i'm using this blog as my emotional canvas. it's my e-diary. I'm sure my future posts won't be this drawn out but I had to get what i'm thinking off my chest. And if you're learning about my breakup through this blog, don't blame me for not talking to you about it, I have extreme troubles talking about what makes me sad, but i'll write forever about it.

Thank you all for listening I appreciate your time.

Johnny C