What I'm Missing.....

I've been spending the last three sunday, monday tuesdays working overnight at I-Stat. That job allows me to think too much, although I havn't written in my blog in 12 days I have had plenty to say but no time to express myself. I originally created this blog as a emotional outlet, but due to fear of boring or annoying anyone reading I have hidden some true feelings of mine. I am missing some ordinary things out here in Munster that I desperatly need to express. I miss my independance. I miss waking up next to someone I care deeply about and couldn't be happier than to just lay by her side all day. I miss going for coffee. I miss being broke financially but rich with happiness. I miss CSI marathons in my boxers. I miss 2 hour walks along the lakeshore...blvd and actual water. I miss trying to beat the heat with bags of ice on my body. I miss authentic thai, chinese and vietnamese resteraunts. I miss meaning something to someone other than my family. I miss Toronto and all the wonderful activities it had to take part in, even if I was too lazy to do so the option was always there. I miss rubbing her feet until my hands are cramped and forearms are aching just to relieve her stress. I miss being stressed out about money with someone rather than by my lonesome. I miss being happy all the time. I miss knowing how I feel inside. I find myself more and more confused everyday. One minute I feel like I'm moving on and loving my current situation, than a memory floods back and the next minute I feel like shedding some tears. I do not have a heart scar yet. It's a scab, and it is continuously being picked at, I'm afraid it will never heal. I need some substance to my life, I'm always working and rarely with friends. The best time of the week it seems these days is going to the grocery store and working with the friends I have made there. Life is frustrating me, it is never easy no matter how bad you need it to be, I'm a Cosgrove, what can go wrong, will. I have to do something to change this pattern, I have to make a life altering decision to put myself on the right path. I need change and I need it soon....Even if the change is back to a point where I have already been in the past it would be enought to make me happy 24-7 but for now that is only a glimmer of hope in the distance. Like a mirage to a dehydrated man, But I have to keep holding on to the hope that just over there on the horizon is what I've been searching for and can hold on to forever.

John